Sex and the Dorky

Last Friday evening my buddy Todd called me up and asked if I would like to go to the opening night of Sex and the City at which point I laughed nervously while deleting his name from the phonebook on my mobile phone (yeah, guess who still calls it a mobile). Todd quickly redeemed himself by letting me know that he didn't want to see the picture but rather dress up like douche-bags and hit on the girls coming out of the movie. This idea seemed flawless to me. What better way is there to feel better than everyone else (aside from having a blog), besides making a joke out of the night that so many girls would title "ladies night." I expected a line or two and a bunch of girls in restroom sized clumps clinging to tickets to see the film, but what we actually encountered was amazing. I had no idea that this show was so popular. Sure, I know my fair share of girls that claim to have watched occasionally, but mysteriously began only drinking martinis in public, and placing far too much importance on shoes around 6 years ago. I just chalked them up to the brain-washed masses that were led to believe they weren't good enough unless they wore the right clothes and talked openly about the hundreds of people they had slept with. The same masses that much like a foggy-eyed cult member will still nag you endlessly should you talk ill of Sarah-Jessica Parker's average looks. It was not until I arrived at The Grove outdoor mall in West Hollywood that I realized just how big a deal this show was. It was crazy. It was like second prom for people with bad taste. There were so many girls there and a MAJORITY of them were dressed in full-on dresses. With the high heels, and the overly flashy hand bag. Every restaurant in The Grove had a patio full of female only tables desperately slurping up their pink Cosmos. It was as if the movie Heathers and every issue of Cosmo mated and their love child threw up all over the shopping center. I went home and googled the subject to find that There were two girls that even paid $16,000 to attend the actual studio premiere of the film (pictured above). Which brings me to my point ( I know, finally). Who are these people? They are the same people that would not date the type of guy that dresses up for a Star Wars premiere. I would even bet that they would sit around and talk crap about a sci-fi geek over Cosmos and "apps." But now the hysteria of a mediocre show and a fantastic job of Hollywood marketing have caused the very elitist stereo-type to cave in on itself. You young ladies that dressed up for "ladies night" last Friday and went out to covet Carrie and the gang are in fact the newest version of the guy that quotes Yoda in Klingon, the guy you are "better than." I hope those strappy new shoes match your irony.

Dr. Jones vs. Dr. Pepper vs. Axl

I really like to drink Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper was the first soda that I ever had and also the last (today at lunch with a Philly cheese-steak sandwich). It is the King of Sodas and deservedly so. I realize that part of my love for this grand beverage stems from growing up in Texas, where it is always an option at restaurants and drive-ins, and going to college in Waco, TX the birthplace of the good doctor. I enjoy the culture around the drink, but when asked why I love it so I will simply answer "the taste!" I also enjoy the Indiana Jones movies, and they have long been on my top 10 list of favorite films. I would not go as far as calling Indiana Jones the Dr. Pepper of movies, but the pictures are very enjoyable indeed. As a kid the movies inspired me to adventure and still when I hear the theme music by the incomparable John Williams I get a little chill. Finally two things I love have joined forces to fight thirst and evil. As the latest installment of the Indiana Jones pictures nears (MAY 22nd) we in LA are being bombarded with ads. One huge promotion is a joint effort/contest with Dr. Pepper. The ads boast a 1:6 chance of winning something from Dr. Pepper. All you have to do is buy a Dr. Pepper product and then go online and type in the code to see if you've won. Some of the prizes are exotic vacations to the locations that the Indiana Jones movies are set in; other prizes include free Burger King meals, movie posters, t-shirts (Seriously, when has anyone ever been excited about a promotional t-shirt?), and finally free Dr. Pepper. Free Dr. Pepper is not a new concept by any stretch, the other day at lunch I asked if anybody remembered Twist-a-Pepper, my friend Pete did and he even reminded me how great the odds were in that promotion. Pete and I both grew up in Texas so there is a good chance that this promotion only existed there. Basically this is how it worked: Buy a bottle of Dr. Pepper (with a yellow cap), twist off the top and then read the under side of the cap. The cap either said you win a free Dr. Pepper or you don't. Then you could take that cap and trade it in for a free DP. That's it. No online typing (of course there was not much Internet usage going on at that time). It was simple and fantastic. Plus as Pete pointed out, it was really easy to win. I even had a bowl full of winning caps at my house growing up. When I was thirsty I would grab a cap and go to the store to get a free one, and normally win another free one (come to think of it; maybe that is why they quit the promotion). BRING BACK TWIST-A-PEPPER.

I did a search on Google to see if there were any other folks calling for the return of Twist-A-Pepper and found nothing, so maybe I'm the only one. I did however run across the most bizarre news story about Dr. Pepper and pop culture. Apparently the good folks at DP have asked former Guns-N-Roses front man Axl Rose (in an official press release) to please finally release his album Chinese Democracy instead of just talking about it. Apparently the album has been in the works since 1993 or something like that. Earlier this year Dr. Pepper vowed to give every American a single can of their product if Axl releases the album within this year. the greatest thing about this little story is that Dr. Pepper is in no way connected to Axl Rose (or so they say), they are just asking Axl to put up or shut up. I love it. I hope he does, I hope I get a free Dr. Pepper, I hope that it is a Twist-A-Pepper, and I hope I win another free one. Below is the link to the DR-GNR story.

FREE DP

Bourne Funny

About a month ago I had wanted to do a Bourne spoof, and somebody beat me to it. As it turns out my friend Adam is in it and he plays Jason Bourne/Delta/Webb...and they did a much better job than I ever could have. I was unable to embed the video in my blog without entering my password on the site which seemed sketchy to me so I will just give you a link. The video is for a MTV contest; film makers create short spoofs of popular films and can win big prizes and the MTV movie awards (you may remember the popular YouTube video UNITED 300). The guys that made this one are talented I've seen another of their shorts and it was brilliant. This spoof of Bourne is by far the funniest of the shorts on the MTV contest site currently, so in my expert opinion they have a good shot at winning. Give it a look, its funny.

THE BOURNE HILARITY

"It is WATCHING A STRANGER TRIP and FALL GOOD!"

I'm away from work today cause I have a Carl's Jr. commercial to audition for. To my friends in the Southern part of the United States that is a Hardees (same company). I'm excited about the audition because the last ad I saw had Paris Hilton in it wolfing down a sloppy burger in a skanky bathing-suit, on top of a fancy car. I would be perfect for that.

With some time away from work I decided to watch some Tivo. Since I don't use the Tivo all that often I sometimes forget that I'm using it and let the commercials run...it was half way through the second commercial break of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia [The gang finds a Dead Guy] that I saw a Yoplait Yogurt commercial. The premise I've seen before: its two ladies enjoying some yogurt and one up-ing each other. Ex: "It's good. First kiss good...Shoe shopping good." You get the point. Well I thought it was lame (and secretly wished I was in any commercial that is currently running on TV) and then decided to write some jokes about it. I set there think of all manner of smarmy things to say about the commercial and the ladies in it, and then terrible things they could say to one up each other. Then I thought it would be a great parody to shoot as a sketch and put online and THEN i went to the Internet and discovered that I am as creative as about a million other idiots that had the same idea. So I immediately through out my jokes but started watching yogurt commercial parodies on YouTube. There is a lot. Most are lame, but they all beat me to the idea. Here is a few:

This is the first one I saw.


This one started off slow but ended up making me chuckle.


This was my favorite of the three. I don't know if I liked the WASPy direction they are headed or if it the things they are saying but I laughed.


There are many many more on YouTube. All of them reminded me of something I would have done with a camera and friends in high school. So here is my challenge to any person that stumbles across this blog. Please one up everyone. Leave a comment and fill in the blank. "It is ______________ GOOD!"

Haircut

I don't really want to use this blog as a personal journal of my everyday life, because I don't think the public can handle that brand of awesome. It's mainly for comedy related thoughts and snobbish observation. However, tonight I find myself bored and waiting for my friend Todd to call me with the info on a fancy Hollywood party that we are supposed to be at; so I've decided to share my new haircut with the world. You can tell a few different things from looking at this picture:
1) I took it with the camera on my phone, it is not a very good camera. It makes me look like a red-headed guy in a sweater that his mom bought him...oh wait. Crap.
2) I'm not very hip. Normally when you take a picture of yourself in the mirror you have to be shirtless and flexing. For examples please spend at least 3 minutes on MySpace or Facebook.
3) The cork-board that I put on my wall is crooked -or- one of my legs is longer than the other. Both are possible.
4) My new haircut looks like every other haircut I've ever had. That is because no amount of product and "sculpting" can change genetics. If you've got Kennedy hair, you've got Kennedy hair and there is no sense in fighting it. You might as well put on your mom sweater and start pandering.

Forever Young

Recently I ventured out to the Beverly Center in West Hollywood to virtually punch my heart with some food court vittles and ran across a local sampling of America’s youth that were trying to figure out why there was a “XXI” on the sign in front of a store called Forever 21. Now admittedly I’m no rocket scientist, I probably couldn’t rise to the rank of bottle rocket scientist but I was pretty sure that I had a good idea what the “XXI” stood for. I ventured a guess and explained to them that I thought it was probably the Roman numerals for the number 21. To which one young man replied, “Like the country Rome?” I immediately acknowledged that he was one of the hold outs that still only recognized Rome as an empire, kudos good sir. As the escalator we were on reached the 3rd floor peak I saw the business in question. The lesson in numbers on the escalator coupled with site of a store full of older women clutching expensive hand-bags desperately trying to remain “Forever 21” brought me to a an all-together new revelation. Being 21 forever would suck. So where I was a little down about a birthday I recently had now it doesn’t seems so bad. Then of course I realized that I was the jerk that corrected some kids on an escalator and wrote about it later on, which is actually a rung or two below incessant honking in traffic on the self-centered idiot ladder.

Quit your honkin

So I’m standing at the corner of La Cienega and Beverly waiting to cross the boulevard when I hear a horn blasting. The light had turned green and the lady at the front of the line of cars had failed to realize that. That’s a problem because LA always has traffic and people don’t want to waste their lives sitting at the same light over and over again. We’ve all got places to be so that we can waste our lives doing other stuff like “networking” and quoting The Secret. This is however a great example of what the horn is for. You give it a tap and let the person ahead of you know that they can go ahead. I’ll admit that some times I like to even avoid that if I can. This particular honking D-bag (and passenger) was the worst kind because he wasn’t even behind the lady he was honking at. No, he was about 4 cars back, the perfect area to not know what is going on at the front of the line but still need to prove that your time is more important that the other three nobodies ahead of you. Plus the horn I heard on this day was in a tone that I immediately understood to be angry. Even though a car horn sounds the same every time you hit it, there are certain tricks to really proving what a tool you are in traffic and amazingly this guy ran through all of them at once, so we can use him as a text book example.

The Tricks:

1) Never be directly behind the person your honking at [we already covered that].
2) Skip the light “polite” honk and go directly to laying on the horn. Really slam your hand against your wheel, because I think it actually makes a difference on the outside. You’ll have to put down whatever expensive coffee you’re drinking to do it right, but you’ll know you’re successful if your expensive watch scuffed the Land Rover emblem on your wheel. It might even help if you yell cuss words and assume out loud that the person you’re honking at is a moron. The most important part of step 2 is that you hold on the horn so long that the droning sound seems to change tones slightly and everyone around you actually becomes more annoyed with the noise than the fact that they aren’t moving.
3) Abandon the long honk and now start with the shotgun blasts. This honk is not what you would call staccato but really more like about 1.5 seconds long.
4) Develop a rhythm with your short honks, spacing the pauses and the honks evenly. Nothing says “I’m the center of the universe” quite like honking in a pattern.
5) Speed up your short honks to double-time. It’ll really teach that person at the front of the line a lesson. You don’t take this crap from anyone, no sir, you and your ego march to the beat of your own horn. Keep in mind that all of this has to take place so fast that you completely drown out the NPR you were listening to.
6) As the cars start to move be sure to really gun the engine and let that V8 sing so everyone know you’re in a hurry, but then slam on the breaks so as to avoid hitting the car directly in front of you, cause that would just look silly.
7) As you approach the corner where the light is both you and your passenger turn and look at the guy standing there [me] and shrug your shoulders as if to say. “What was that lady’s problem?” It’s a bold move to assume that everyone else feels the way you do about losing 20 extra seconds, but you’re obviously a bold person. This shrug is basically your way of drafting other people on to team A-hole.
8) Finally, hit the gas and speed ahead so you can briefly pull up next to the person you’ve been correcting and stare at her for a bit. Otherwise how else will she ever learn the right way to act in an automobile?