Saturday, February 16, 2008
Forever Young
Recently I ventured out to the Beverly Center in West Hollywood to virtually punch my heart with some food court vittles and ran across a local sampling of America’s youth that were trying to figure out why there was a “XXI” on the sign in front of a store called Forever 21. Now admittedly I’m no rocket scientist, I probably couldn’t rise to the rank of bottle rocket scientist but I was pretty sure that I had a good idea what the “XXI” stood for. I ventured a guess and explained to them that I thought it was probably the Roman numerals for the number 21. To which one young man replied, “Like the country Rome?” I immediately acknowledged that he was one of the hold outs that still only recognized Rome as an empire, kudos good sir. As the escalator we were on reached the 3rd floor peak I saw the business in question. The lesson in numbers on the escalator coupled with site of a store full of older women clutching expensive hand-bags desperately trying to remain “Forever 21” brought me to a an all-together new revelation. Being 21 forever would suck. So where I was a little down about a birthday I recently had now it doesn’t seems so bad. Then of course I realized that I was the jerk that corrected some kids on an escalator and wrote about it later on, which is actually a rung or two below incessant honking in traffic on the self-centered idiot ladder.
Quit your honkin
So I’m standing at the corner of La Cienega and Beverly waiting to cross the boulevard when I hear a horn blasting. The light had turned green and the lady at the front of the line of cars had failed to realize that. That’s a problem because LA always has traffic and people don’t want to waste their lives sitting at the same light over and over again. We’ve all got places to be so that we can waste our lives doing other stuff like “networking” and quoting The Secret. This is however a great example of what the horn is for. You give it a tap and let the person ahead of you know that they can go ahead. I’ll admit that some times I like to even avoid that if I can. This particular honking D-bag (and passenger) was the worst kind because he wasn’t even behind the lady he was honking at. No, he was about 4 cars back, the perfect area to not know what is going on at the front of the line but still need to prove that your time is more important that the other three nobodies ahead of you. Plus the horn I heard on this day was in a tone that I immediately understood to be angry. Even though a car horn sounds the same every time you hit it, there are certain tricks to really proving what a tool you are in traffic and amazingly this guy ran through all of them at once, so we can use him as a text book example.
The Tricks:
The Tricks:
1) Never be directly behind the person your honking at [we already covered that].
2) Skip the light “polite” honk and go directly to laying on the horn. Really slam your hand against your wheel, because I think it actually makes a difference on the outside. You’ll have to put down whatever expensive coffee you’re drinking to do it right, but you’ll know you’re successful if your expensive watch scuffed the Land Rover emblem on your wheel. It might even help if you yell cuss words and assume out loud that the person you’re honking at is a moron. The most important part of step 2 is that you hold on the horn so long that the droning sound seems to change tones slightly and everyone around you actually becomes more annoyed with the noise than the fact that they aren’t moving.
3) Abandon the long honk and now start with the shotgun blasts. This honk is not what you would call staccato but really more like about 1.5 seconds long.
4) Develop a rhythm with your short honks, spacing the pauses and the honks evenly. Nothing says “I’m the center of the universe” quite like honking in a pattern.
5) Speed up your short honks to double-time. It’ll really teach that person at the front of the line a lesson. You don’t take this crap from anyone, no sir, you and your ego march to the beat of your own horn. Keep in mind that all of this has to take place so fast that you completely drown out the NPR you were listening to.
6) As the cars start to move be sure to really gun the engine and let that V8 sing so everyone know you’re in a hurry, but then slam on the breaks so as to avoid hitting the car directly in front of you, cause that would just look silly.
7) As you approach the corner where the light is both you and your passenger turn and look at the guy standing there [me] and shrug your shoulders as if to say. “What was that lady’s problem?” It’s a bold move to assume that everyone else feels the way you do about losing 20 extra seconds, but you’re obviously a bold person. This shrug is basically your way of drafting other people on to team A-hole.
8) Finally, hit the gas and speed ahead so you can briefly pull up next to the person you’ve been correcting and stare at her for a bit. Otherwise how else will she ever learn the right way to act in an automobile?
2) Skip the light “polite” honk and go directly to laying on the horn. Really slam your hand against your wheel, because I think it actually makes a difference on the outside. You’ll have to put down whatever expensive coffee you’re drinking to do it right, but you’ll know you’re successful if your expensive watch scuffed the Land Rover emblem on your wheel. It might even help if you yell cuss words and assume out loud that the person you’re honking at is a moron. The most important part of step 2 is that you hold on the horn so long that the droning sound seems to change tones slightly and everyone around you actually becomes more annoyed with the noise than the fact that they aren’t moving.
3) Abandon the long honk and now start with the shotgun blasts. This honk is not what you would call staccato but really more like about 1.5 seconds long.
4) Develop a rhythm with your short honks, spacing the pauses and the honks evenly. Nothing says “I’m the center of the universe” quite like honking in a pattern.
5) Speed up your short honks to double-time. It’ll really teach that person at the front of the line a lesson. You don’t take this crap from anyone, no sir, you and your ego march to the beat of your own horn. Keep in mind that all of this has to take place so fast that you completely drown out the NPR you were listening to.
6) As the cars start to move be sure to really gun the engine and let that V8 sing so everyone know you’re in a hurry, but then slam on the breaks so as to avoid hitting the car directly in front of you, cause that would just look silly.
7) As you approach the corner where the light is both you and your passenger turn and look at the guy standing there [me] and shrug your shoulders as if to say. “What was that lady’s problem?” It’s a bold move to assume that everyone else feels the way you do about losing 20 extra seconds, but you’re obviously a bold person. This shrug is basically your way of drafting other people on to team A-hole.
8) Finally, hit the gas and speed ahead so you can briefly pull up next to the person you’ve been correcting and stare at her for a bit. Otherwise how else will she ever learn the right way to act in an automobile?
Movie Review: Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show
I woke up late today looking forward to what has sort of become a ritual for me on Saturdays in LA, catching a matinee by myself at one of the theaters close by my house. Lucky for me only a few days ago I was awarded two free movie passes at the company I work for because I was dressed “sharply” on the day the board members were visiting. That’s right the adult equivalent of a gold star for cleanest desk in 2nd grade home-room. The movie I chose was Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show because it was of particular interest to me given all the stand up I try to do. It also is a movie that I feel personally invested in from spending time with some of the comics that it features.
The movie is sort of set up as if it were a documentary and is basically what the title says it is…Vince Vaughn puts together a show and you (the movie-goer) follow this process.
When I first came to Hollywood I started spending time at the Comedy Store on Sunset Blvd. and it seemed that there was never a night that I didn’t hear somebody mention this movie, it seemed like it would never come out. I heard countless hosts bring up comics with “This guy is in a new movie with Vince Vaughn give it up for…” and I heard folks telling stories about what happened during the making of it. Gradually I got to know some of the guys in the movie, though I don’t know any of them all that well, they seem pretty cool. Anyway, I realized about a week ago that it had come out and so I was anxious to see it. This is my first review so stick with me.
My review:
It’s pretty good. I was pleased that I chose to see it. There were a few moments in which the guys in the film seemed to speak from a sincere place that really rang true for me as a comic, mostly stuff about insecurities and the things you think about when you are chasing that type of career. Over all I liked it and I have seen all of these guys perform their jokes over and over again, so that has to mean something. Of course that is my disclaimer also, I enjoy stand up and I watch it all the time so of course this movie was good for me. I can’t even begin to place myself in the shoes of everyone else that will see the film because stand up has become such a big part of my life in the last few years. That’s it. That’s my review. I do look forward to talking with some of the guys in the movie, if they’re not already sick of discussing it. Oh yeah, and I learned that Vince Vaughn is a big fan of Buck Owens a performer that I’ve always loved, so he received definite points for that.
The movie is sort of set up as if it were a documentary and is basically what the title says it is…Vince Vaughn puts together a show and you (the movie-goer) follow this process.
When I first came to Hollywood I started spending time at the Comedy Store on Sunset Blvd. and it seemed that there was never a night that I didn’t hear somebody mention this movie, it seemed like it would never come out. I heard countless hosts bring up comics with “This guy is in a new movie with Vince Vaughn give it up for…” and I heard folks telling stories about what happened during the making of it. Gradually I got to know some of the guys in the movie, though I don’t know any of them all that well, they seem pretty cool. Anyway, I realized about a week ago that it had come out and so I was anxious to see it. This is my first review so stick with me.
My review:
It’s pretty good. I was pleased that I chose to see it. There were a few moments in which the guys in the film seemed to speak from a sincere place that really rang true for me as a comic, mostly stuff about insecurities and the things you think about when you are chasing that type of career. Over all I liked it and I have seen all of these guys perform their jokes over and over again, so that has to mean something. Of course that is my disclaimer also, I enjoy stand up and I watch it all the time so of course this movie was good for me. I can’t even begin to place myself in the shoes of everyone else that will see the film because stand up has become such a big part of my life in the last few years. That’s it. That’s my review. I do look forward to talking with some of the guys in the movie, if they’re not already sick of discussing it. Oh yeah, and I learned that Vince Vaughn is a big fan of Buck Owens a performer that I’ve always loved, so he received definite points for that.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Entry # 1
I have tried to have a blog before but it never really lasted long. My hope is that now that I have a blog on my site where everyone can see it, I will be better about adding to it. It won't be a very deep blog so don't expect much. I can't put down my deepest thoughts and fears where everyone can read them. Those go in my journal where I write about girls I like, my possible married name and whether or not Jonathan Taylor Thomas could beat Justin Timberlake in a fist-fight [Tsquared v. T-Lake on pay-per-view...it will happen]. You won't find those deep and meaningful things on this blog. This place is only for the frivolous and mindless. With that said, what does everyone think about the upcoming election? Any thoughts?
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